Monday
93lbs
I've let myself go a little over the paster few months, went up from 84lbs to 99lbs, finally got my ass into gear and actually doing something about it. Probably going to start posting on my blog more just for something to do. I made a thinpiration collage yesterday and stuck it on my wall, just for something to do. Got my chest pains back but oh well. I should get used to it really.
Sunday
Finally
Actually managed a day with out food! first in over 2 weeks i think... Well I was 6st 7 yesterday and 6st 5 today! So thats good
Got to orthodontists later on today :S I'm sure she will say something about my teeth! Dentists are good at spotting bulimics.
Aranged to get some cigs today aswell which i wanted to help surpress my apetite, if i feel like i want to eat really badly I can just have one of them.
Still having stupid boy problems, I think it would be okay if I atleast new whether Sean liked me or not, he takes hours to reply to my texts though. Tbh I think he's a little out of my league and maybe i should be setting my sites a little lower. He prefers curvier girls :( which is not something that will ever work to my advantage. Although i think nearly all guys prefer a few curves on a girl. A walking skeliton is hardly attractive, despite what an anorexic might think. I don't find overly thin guys attactive so i can't see why anyone would find me attractive. I realise the obvious thing to do would be to gain weight, sadly i can't quite bring myself to do that...
Hope today goes well! Only time will tell...
Friday
I'm a bit of a joke
Gone up to 6st 6. keep binging and purging. Just feel so empty guess eating makes me feel better, but only while I eat. Don't really feel like writing much but oh well.
Wednesday
6st
6st/84lbs this morning. Not really as happy about it as I could be. I think the joy of losing weight has gone, I don't want to gain weight either, but I'm starting to care less.
Still in pain, back is really pissing me off. I think I need to recover but I don't know how. I'm seeing Tim next week so maybe I need to talk to him.
BMI is 12.8
Tuesday
86lbs
So I binged yesterday, 2 buttery croisant, pasta and cheese (alot) and peanut butter on toast. Purged it, obviously, and this morning, yet again, I am at a new low. I'm sure I should be happier, but losing weight has started to lose its kick. Don't get me wrong I would hate to gain! I decided I was gunna see how far I can push my body. Was watching something on tv yesterday and this health person said that when bmi reaches about 13 death occurs, my bmi is 13.1... Shouldn't be alive for much longer really! I'm just waiting to cock up though and gain shit loads. I would like to know how I am managing to lose weight despite my b/p sessions, but I would fight it. Just have even more aches and pains each day.
Monday
New low
I'm now 87lbs (6st 3)
I don't really understand how I am losing as, for the last few days, I have been binging and purging, I guess I must have finally cracket getting up nearly everything. Would be nice to have a purge free day so I am not planning to eat anything today.
I ache all over. I really wish someone would notice what I'm doing to myself and advise me to seek help. I know I'm not strong enough to get help on my own.
Guess I'll just keep losing till I die, which has been one of my aims all along.
On a different note; I have a new idot, not because she is anorexic (I don't think she is and don't have the right to say she is), but because I think she is so beautiful.
I love Lily Cole!
I wonder how today will go...
Tuesday
I'm done
Right well I've gained 6lbs in the last 4 days.... not good to be honest.
Gunna have to step it up a gear. I just need to stop counting on other people to have a good time and rely on me for a change.
Gunna go swimming tomorrow then to the gym. I'll get up for a shower and maybe even a run actually. Do work in free's at school and in the evening. Wacth thinspo vids and early nights.
I really need to make this work for me else i think i will have to be a failure, i'm not ready to give up yet!
Monday
My Story
I often wonder how I become like this. But I've been seeing my counciler and he's made me think. And i recon that I have had problems with food most of my life. I have always wanted to be the thinnest and I have always envied girls who were prettier, thinner, more popular than i was. Maybe I just associated happyness with being thin or maybe its something completely different. I remember when I was about 9 I would make my own lunch, sometimes I would just have a banana or I would make snadwiches with no filling, I recall one time I got made to eat school dinner because I hadn't brought enough food in with me. I remember during breakfast when at my grandma's; if she made me too much I would eat part of it then hide the rest in kitchen roll and bin it. For as long as I can remember I have avoided eat breakfast. I have always being a fusy eater, perhaps that way an excuse just to eat less. Once I hate a whole box of weetos, when I was about 7 or 8, and I threw them up. I used to be able to eat a packet of cheese in one sitting. I could eat an adult meal at the hungry horse then barely eat for days. A few years ago in when I was on holiday in brighton, I would skip breakfast and lunch, and just eat dinner. I know that I have always thought I was fat. Thinking about this makes me realise that my eating disorder may have started far sooner than I had first thought. God I remember the first day I went with out food, I was so proud. The first time I manage to get below 7 stone, I had hardly eaten for a few weeks. My ED has slowly spiralled into a living hell. Now I am mearly a puppet in one of anas little plays, She seeks weakness in her victum and pushes them to the limit by testing them mentally, emotionally and physically in everyway she can think. She makes us hate and love her at the sametimes. But most of all she makes us need her and she sucks us in so we cannot escape. I don't want to escape yet but I hope one day I will have the strength to break free and live again!
Monday
Day 4
I seem to be doing absolutly everything at snail speed, I'm cold all the time even though its the middle of june... However I am 93lbs! So I may feel shit but atleast I'm thin.
Quote 'I may be fucked up but atleast I am pretty'
I want to eat but I know if I start then I won't stop. I'll gain and gain and gain and gain until I'm back up to 111lbs I might have some soup later to keep up my strength... but i'm reluctant to.
Sunday
Day 3
Managed 3 days with out food, have soo low energy levels though. Feels like someones sucking the life out of me. But its worth it when i see the numbers going down on the scales. Makes me smile everytime it happend. I dont want to be fat. Just a shame being thin takes so much effort.
Friday
(:
Well I managed to last the day, no food! Just diet coke. AND I weighed myself this morning 96lbs! 12 more lbs to go till I reach my goal. Not gunna be eating anything today, might try and make it to the gym. But I am so glad I am under 7 stone again.
It took me a month to put on 19lbs, so far its taken me 2 months to get 15 off. I'm never going to let myself gain that much again. Because its too hard to lose it. I want to be thin and STAY thin! Lol bit of a rambled post but basically I'm happy to be at 96lbs!!!!!!!!!!
Day 6
Well after 2 days of constantly messing up I am ready for some nice food free days. Haven't weighed myself in a while, probably weigh loads. I'm really fed up of making empty promises to myself. I mean how hard can it be to just not eat. As Rowan said 'wouldn't it be either to be annorexic then you wouldn't have to always clean the toilet...' So I won't throw up anymore, I'm fed up of looking into the bottom of a toilet. Its just such a fucking waste of my time. And it makes me look bloated and fat! I just wish I was thin!
Thursday
GRRRRR!
Well today I threw up for the last time. I'm fed up with food, it tastes like shit and makes me feel shit. If I carry on this way my ribs will sink away into fat, I will reach my perfection.
Please helps me ana, I need you now more than ever. I don't want to be fat. I will never be fat!
Tuesday
Day 4
My stomach feel really weird, but I guess thats from lack of food. I feel a bit weak but not too bad. Just feel like being really lazy! As long as I'm thin nothing else matters!
Last post for today.
I think I may have over done it with the mints at jive, but i seriously needed the sugar cause I felt so week, Had a mini whoopsie, had a little hott chocolate then threw it away and nearly binged but decided to resist! Haha. Food is clever, always trying ot find new ways to trick me into eating it. But it won't win. Gunna have another go at just water tomorrow seeing as I don't have to do much so I cen just flop if I feel really weak! Gave in and weighed myself, 99lbs. Back to where I was last monday. Oh well these things happen. I'll do better tomorrow. I always try.
I have no energy
Well was planning to just stick to water today, but i feel soo weak that I've had 2 diet kicks (5cals each) and a coke zero (1cal) so not too bad I guess. Gunna end up having mints at jive :( but I guess I'll burn that off danicng so as long as I don't go over the top eveything should be okay! But we'll soon see.
Monday
Ana is starting to win :)
I very nearly fucked up again, was going to buy a fab (99cals) a packet of tooty frooties (179cals) and a milky bar (69cals) I was at the check out and then Ana told me I didn't need it, I didn't need to put this shit into my body. So I put it down and just bought the milk for Rowan. I know I fucked up earlier but Ana is winning. I plan to just have water tomorrow so I am finishing off all my diet coke/coke zero tonight, plus it will keep my mind away from food.
I will be thin! Ana will let me achieve my dream.
I FUCKED UP!!!!!
I fucked up but its okay I can fix it! I'm not a failure because failures give up and I will not give up. I am going to go to the gym and burn everything off! And from not on I only drink water! Pure beautiful water! I WILL DO BETTER. I have to! I have to do better!
Update on yesterday
I nearly slipped! Had a couple of sips of hott chocolate before pouring it away, had some squash with some liquid laxitives, nearly had somechocolate but spat it out. AND I almost ate a biscuit but convinced myself not to. Phew. Sadly I probably totaled about 40/50cals instead of 13. However I will do better today!
Sunday
Day 1
Haven't eaten anything today and I don't plan to.
I have had 2 cans of coke zero and 2 cans of diet kick (about 13cals in total) I went to the gym and burnt 320cals and did 200 sit-ups might do some more before bed.
Mum thinks I've had toast, chocolate, half a pizza, couple of ginger bread men, 3 veggie sausages and mash potato. Probably totaling to over 2000cals! YUCK! Plus she thinks i'm about 8 stone when I'm closer to 7.
Seeing as I tend to eat when I've weighed myself i'm not going ot weigh myself till next monday, and I will probably wait until the evening to make sure I can't eat!
This is hopefully going ot be a food free week, haven't had one of them in a while.... And I'm sure I can be sucessful as long as a stay focused, stay strong and remind myself constantly that I am fat and that thin is beautiful.
Lets see how it goes.
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