I often wonder how I become like this. But I've been seeing my counciler and he's made me think. And i recon that I have had problems with food most of my life. I have always wanted to be the thinnest and I have always envied girls who were prettier, thinner, more popular than i was. Maybe I just associated happyness with being thin or maybe its something completely different. I remember when I was about 9 I would make my own lunch, sometimes I would just have a banana or I would make snadwiches with no filling, I recall one time I got made to eat school dinner because I hadn't brought enough food in with me. I remember during breakfast when at my grandma's; if she made me too much I would eat part of it then hide the rest in kitchen roll and bin it. For as long as I can remember I have avoided eat breakfast. I have always being a fusy eater, perhaps that way an excuse just to eat less. Once I hate a whole box of weetos, when I was about 7 or 8, and I threw them up. I used to be able to eat a packet of cheese in one sitting. I could eat an adult meal at the hungry horse then barely eat for days. A few years ago in when I was on holiday in brighton, I would skip breakfast and lunch, and just eat dinner. I know that I have always thought I was fat. Thinking about this makes me realise that my eating disorder may have started far sooner than I had first thought. God I remember the first day I went with out food, I was so proud. The first time I manage to get below 7 stone, I had hardly eaten for a few weeks. My ED has slowly spiralled into a living hell. Now I am mearly a puppet in one of anas little plays, She seeks weakness in her victum and pushes them to the limit by testing them mentally, emotionally and physically in everyway she can think. She makes us hate and love her at the sametimes. But most of all she makes us need her and she sucks us in so we cannot escape. I don't want to escape yet but I hope one day I will have the strength to break free and live again!
